Chapter 9-11

Holden would like to be a child and get away with stuff like getting kicked out of school, but then he would also like to be an adult and get alcohol because he thinks that just cause he is tall and has some gray hairs that he would be able to get away with anything...I think he is starting to see that the world isnt a easy place to live and he really would like to call someone and tell them what is going on but everyone he things of he either calls them "phonies" or doesnt want his mom and dad to find out. But we learn that he has a little sister and he talks about her like she is the best thing in the world and it makes me think of the time he was talking about Allie, and all the things he says about her make her seem kinda like Allie. Holden cares about his sister and he did care about Allie, I am not sure if he cares about his older brother yet, but he those seem to this like his parents a little. I think he would like to go home but then he would also like to be on his own and clear his head. Holden right now has two personalities: he would like to go home and take back what he did, and that part of him still wants to be a kid. Then he also wants to live alone, drink, and dance with girls that he calls ugly over and over again.

I am turning 16 this Sunday and I really dont want to. If I could I would go back to being 2 or 3, when I had people to care for me and I didnt have to care for myself and other people too. When all I had to do was sleep, eat and play; now it seems like the older I get more new people come into my life (some I like and some not so much) and then the people I knew are leaving or I'm leaving. I also feel like the older I get the more I have to live up to what others want me to be, and I get lost between what I want for myself and what other want for me, and it doesnt help much when I am making planes for my brother and sister's future, cause it scares me that one day I will be the one that is fully responsible for them and the fact that I dont know when that day is scares me even more cause I am not ready for that, and sometimes it makes me wish that I wasnt the oldest, and that I had an older brother or sister to help me. But then again I am glad that I will be their for my brother and sister to help them.

-Dzeneta J.